So many emotions. So many prayers. I’ve been dealing with a lot these past few days and I don’t know where to begin describing to you how much I’ve unearthed in my heart in the past 18 days that I’ve been here. Arriving in England may seem like it was the beginning of this process but it was a trial of Faith right from the start when God told me to put my application in at Holmsted last November. I had to put in applications for visas into the UK twice; once for the January school and once for this September school. To be honest, the second time around got me frazzled enough to have an emotional breakdown and start crying in the public library. It’s been a struggle with literally every aspect getting here but I knew God wanted me here so I pressed on and decided to have faith that it would all work out and in the end it did. I’m here. In England. …….Now what? My main focus for the past 10 months has been getting here and now that I’m here what do I do? What is the next thing you want me to do, God? I prayed and prayed and prayed and kept asking God “What should I do now, Lord?” It took a few days, maybe even the first week, until I realized that I’ve been so focused on my question that I wasn’t listening for the answer. So I stopped. In the middle of the walk way looking out at the neighboring field… and I listened. I waited and I listened and you know what God said? “You need to stop doing things. Will you give it to me?” Oh boy, I wasn’t ready for that. God wanted me to give up control. Control of what, you ask? Control of everything. Control of finances, relationships, dreams/goals/future plans, and myself. God, I am in a different country by myself and I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m grasping for just a little sense of familiarity here! I don’t want to lose that.
I had a small seed in my hand that I was holding on to so tightly. I don’t want to lose it or drop it. This seed is a good seed and it’s beautiful. You gave me this seed, God. Why should I give it back to you? Why would you give me something that I can’t keep?
You could keep it if you want. Although, if you keep it it will never grow. It will never be beautiful and you may lose it because your hands will grow tired of holding it. But if you let me keep it for you I will plant it and then you and I can watch it grow together.
I gave God my seed. He says it will grow into something much more beautiful than it already is and I am going to trust Him when He says that. Right now that seed is being planted and buried in the dirt. It’s hard, it hurts, and sometimes I do miss holding it in my hand but I have faith that God will keep His word when He says that He’ll take care of it. He will water it whenever it needs water and keep it in the sunlight and one day, one glorious day, it will sprout and eventually grow and bud into a beautiful flower.